Victims of Tyra's Self-Esteem Vampirism
In the above screencap, Nijah pantomimes a brutal picture tug-of-war between herself and Tyra Banks during last week's judging panel. Tragic foreshadowing, since this episode...
...homegirl didn't even get a picture. She, instead, received the Hug of Elimination, wherein Tyra forces apart her clawed limbs to coldly embrace the latest victim of her self-esteem vampirism.
In my last two recaps, I didn't even graze the topic of eliminated girls, which I now admit is a mistake. I mean, if you're only following the show through my drunken ramblings, I'll bet you didn't even know there was a Nijah. And frankly, neither did I, and I've been watching this crap since the first episode.
But don't feel bad for Nijah - she now achieves immortality through the impossibly sarcastic culture of online blogging and reality show recapping. This is the only slice of fame they'll get, after all, since none of them are going to be shooting Vogue covers with Annie Leibowitz. And that's certainly not Tyra's aim when she makes her casting decisions, since if it was, a certain you-know-who...
...definitely would not have made it past the premiere. But I can't fault the whiny, entitled Tahlia for subjecting herself to this potentially ego-bolstering opportunity. I'd love to flip open the latest GQ and see myself brooding attractively in a Guess ad opposite of a Robert Pattinson interview. But wanting to be a model does not entitle you to be one. Looking like one does. At 5'10, 145 pounds, and 12% body fat, I am literally a short, fat cow in male model standards. But, you know what? I accept that. Instead of crying about how I'm not being photographed in Bora Bora for a Hugo Boss editorial spread, I'm you know, not crying about it and living my life accordingly.
Tahlia summed up the case against herself rather succinctly: "I don't have the experience, I don't have the knowledge, and I don't have the education in being a model." She left a few things, like, oh, good teeth, a fashion-appropriate body, and so on, but in any case, SELF-DISS!
I grabbed that frame for Tahlia, but it just so happens that Sandra's also in there looking like your friend's grandmother re-discovering masturbation. Consider that a gift for your mind's eye.
I don't mean to be a dick (NOTE: this is a lie) but I need to draw attention to Allison's hair. I had a friend in high school who ha moved here from Germany. His English was great, but on occasion he'd use a word differently. Not wrong, just different. For instance, after witnessing the crotch of my jeans rip, he yelled, "Whoa! That was a moment!"
And that's exactly how I would describe Allison's hair. It is a... moment:
That weave has only been forcibly sewn into her skull, what, a week? And it already looks like blonde roadkill. Not to reinforce gender stereotypes or anything, but you know she's treating that hair like a dude would. Never using conditioner, using a bar of soap as shampoo...
Just, yikes, you know? She reminds me of the girls I went to university with who would make cryptic, one-sentence LiveJournal entries and snore through their Bio Chem tutorials. I wouldn't be surprised if she's planning to use those dried flanks of hay to clot her self-inflicted wounds while she watches Twilight. Not that I want her to hurt herself, or watch Twilight, but some things are just inevitable.
Speaking of inevitable:
Ah, yes. A bizarre, not-at-all-outdated parody of Charm School, with Miss Jay as a Mo'Nique/Michelle Obama hybrid. It's, um, about time? I feel a little ripped off, here, because this parody didn't nearly go as far as it could have. Where was the drunken flirtation with prisoners? Where were the vases being hurled at bleached or wigged scalps? And most importantly, where was Tyra solemnly announcing that London is the whore of America's Next Top Model? Did not deliver. Fail.
Teyona, for all of her Predator-ness, is actually kind of awesome:
This one has winner's edit all over her. Plus, she's Liza Minelli-esque in her lunacy, which kind of makes me love her more. Here's hoping she follows Liza's path and makes a bizarre appearance on Larry King!
Fo...
....the love of god, what is in that pen? Are these girls so bored that they're getting high off ink? I miss living in a dorm.
I must say, though, that her picture with Aminat this week was outrageously hot:
Fo is giving so much 'tude in that lifted brow, I'm actually a little scared. Aminat just looks like she was plucked off a runway in Milan. I don't dole out praise often, especially not on a Dog and Pony show like this, but I'm honestly impressed. Kudos, girls.
This week's photoshoot had the girls modeling as Tyra's New Yorkers. I say "Tyra's" because it's her off-kilter interpretation of humanity, and not, you know, actual humanity. So instead of hot dog vendors and homeless guys living off rats and toe nails, the girls had to pretend to be dangerously negligent nannies, comically overjoyed tourists, and avant-garde prostitutes:
Paulina Porizkova noted that this looked like a snapshot of hungover Olsen Twins, but I could only see the phrase, "I was young and I needed the money."
Lastly, and lez-i-ly:
Sheesh, get a room, you two. Kortnie should know that she can't be both The Plus Sizer and The Token Gay. Those two Top Model archetypes simply can't co-exist without the fabric of time and space shredding like a dental dam. Kortnie isn't limiting herself to just piggy back rides with Celia, though. There was also this fetish-y meeting of nose and tongue...
Kortnie is total player. And that's real.
Next week: Top Model beats me to the punch and posits the girls as literal drag queens. The freakishly flexible Benny Ninja guest stars! Tahlia whines, and Celia takes out her dentures long enough to form an uprising against her. Meanwhile, another piece of my soul chips away.
By Andrew Albert
 Andrew Albert | |
| About the author: | |
Andrew
Albert is the cunning, sole survivor of the planet Krypton. He was
discovered in the wilds of Toronto, Ontario where he learned the fine
art of eating sushi, reading comics, and watching bad reality shows.
His superpowers include an encyclopedic knowledge of Buffy The Vampire
Slayer, and a sharp eye for blog-able media train wrecks. Andrew is
currently saving the world through his selfless act of braving Tyra
Banks week, after week, after week.
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