ANTM from a Plucky Male Point of View: WOMAN.ca Proudly Presents Our "Next Top Columnist" Andrew Albert
The degradation, humiliation, and open hatred of women has long been a serious social and gender issue, especially in regards to media portrayal. In unrelated news, the 12th cycle of America's Next Top Model debuted last Wednesday. This utterly bizarre, randomly hostile, and definitely hilarious reality series is watched by everybody, but you'd be hard-pressed to find anybody who'd admit it.
But hey, did I mention this is the 12th season? In the myopic bubble that is this odd, long-running show, certain redundancies have developed. We know by now that Tyra Banks will say something profoundly bitchy in the guise of a constructive criticism. We also know that Jay Manuel will look like a robot dipped in bronzer, Miss Jay will give vague and unhelpful runway tips, and that Nigel Barker will be discretely masturbating during every judging panel. The same redundancies appear in every cycle's crop of girls, too.
Witness:
The Awkward Chick
Allison is actually rather unique for a Top Model contestant, in that she's a minor internet celebrity whose claim to fame is looking like a villain from a killer doll movie. But I kind of love this freak, if for nothing else than her dead-voiced confession of finding hemophilia fascinating. As with any Awkward Chick on Top Model, expect her to last for a long time.
The Plus Sizer
Kortnie's body is a temple, and sometimes her temple wants cheesecake. That isn't me being sizist, she said that herself! The token full figured contestant usually lasts until right before the overseas trip, so expect Tyra to excitedly announce WE'RE GOING TO BARCELONA, Y'ALL before holding a hand up to Kortnie and sneering, "Uh, except the porker."
The Bitch
Sandra combines aloofness and hostility in one bed hogging, long-ass-toe hating package, making her this year's Bitch. And I love her for it. More than any other archetype, the success of a Top Model cycle lives or dies on the strength of its villain. Fact: if The Bitch is a woman of colour, she will usually cry about it when Tyra brings it up. Also, she's guaranteed Top 3 material, so we're in for a long cycle of hatin'.
The Sob Story
Tahlia may very well be the worst girl to be casted this season, but then again, The Sob Story usually is. Tahlia's is that she has burn scars, but the real story here is that girlfriend is borderline plus-sized. The Sob Story's answer to "Why do you want to be a model?" usually involves a nervous recollection of her childhood traumas, sprinkled randomly with words like 'inspiration' and 'role model'. Ah, yes, fashion models. They're the real heroes of our troubled world.
The Racial Ambiguist
I thought Fo was Asian at first, but then she explained she was Blaxican, which is the most awesome portmanteau. I wish I was half-Black and half-Asian so I could call myself Blasian. I have a friend who's half-Irish and half-Black, and for some reason she keeps rejecting my suggestion she call herself Irack. I think it's a cute word. Oh well.
The Church Lady
Do you love Jesus? And, uh, headbands? London does. London also has the added charm of being short and stumpy looking, making her both annoying and inappropriate for even for the notoriously standardless Top Model. Street preach that, Liverpool.
The Girl Who Looks Exactly Like Alison Mack
Okay, so this may or may not be a Top Model archetype that I made up just now, but seriously, Isabella is Alison Mack's seizure-prone clone.
The Senior Citizen
The above picture is not from a pictorial in Grandparents Magazine. It is, seriously, a screencap from America's Next Top Model. Swear to god! At 25, Celia may very well be the fiercest Depends model on the block, but for an industry that literally snatches newborns out from the arms of their mothers, she is bit on the geriatric side. The Senior Citizen is traditionally brought along until the Final 4, where she is ceremoniously dumped for - get this - looking too old. It's like casting a flamingo for America's Next Top Zebra and then nagging it for not having black stripes. You know?
This cycle, overall, is off to an entertaining start, and I can only see it getting better. Allison may or may not kill a girl in her sleep, Sandra will probably, at one point, declare she's not here to make friends, and Celia's dark secret will be revealed to be an unhealthy addiction to Metamucil.
Catch the next episode this Wednesday; it's the makeover episode, and you know what that means: hissyfits and shaved heads. I'm slobbering in anticipation.
By Andrew Albert
 Andrew Albert | |
| About the author: | |
Andrew
Albert is the cunning, sole survivor of the planet Krypton. He was
discovered in the wilds of Toronto, Ontario where he learned the fine
art of eating sushi, reading comics, and watching bad reality shows.
His superpowers include an encyclopedic knowledge of Buffy The Vampire
Slayer, and a sharp eye for blog-able media train wrecks. Andrew is
currently saving the world through his selfless act of braving Tyra
Banks week, after week, after week.
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Comments (3)
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My favorite is Tyra in general.."smile with your eyes ladies, smile with your eyes"
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i think the only thing i like more than the makeover episodes is the obligatory episode that follows where Tyra says she doesn't like one girl's makeover.
...or maybe my favorite is Cycle 7's catwalk finale
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