Yep, Tiger Woods Had The Worst Thanksgiving Ever

Domestic Violence? An Affair? A Wrecked Escalade? Maybe Tiger Is Planning To Try Out For The NBA

alt While you were busy watching football, eating dry turkey and swallowing your irritation about having to spend "quality time" with your relatives in hopes of getting written into Grandma's will, Tiger Woods was getting beaten senseless by his wife.

We're sure you've heard by now that there was some drama at the Woods household early Friday morning. Tiger's wife Elin Nordegren went nuts after reading a National Enquirer story that claimed Tiger cheated on her with "New York city party girl" Rachel Uchitel. She scratched Tiger's face up, he attempted to flee in his Escalade, Elin gave chase with a golf club smashing up the Escalade, and then Tiger hit a fire hydrant and tree. And then Boss Hogg tried to set up a road block, but them Duke boys jumped right over it. Buzzard on a buzzsaw!

So long story short, the Woodses spent their Thanksgiving like most families do: Trapped in a sickeningly familiar cycle of recrimination, betrayal, lies, and poor decision-making. Looks like TLC just found their new Monday night show to replace Jon & Kate Plus 8.

Tiger Woods has yet to grant interview requests by the Florida Highway Patrol, and remains cryptic and vague regarding the details of the accident. He says in a statement released on his website:

"As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I'm pretty sore. This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again.

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible. The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false. This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received.

But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be."

When asked for comment, Tiger Woods said, "What, these? Oh, I just fell down some stairs. No, I meant I tripped and I fell into a bookca...no, no, that's not right..I fell in the shower. I'm just so stupid and clumsy sometimes, I can't believe she puts up with me because I get so..what? Oh no, she loves me. You don't know her like I do. She tells me she loves me and she always says how sorry she is when..sshhh, did you hear that? Was, was that a car?! Oh, God, oh God, it's her! Hide! HIDE!"

Meanwhile, the fire hydrant had this to say, "Ow."

By Paige Muller

Paige Muller, Gossip & Hollywood Hijinx
		About the author:
		Paige Muller is a gossip gal with an appreciation – some would say obsession – for Hollywood hijinx, celebrity style and the latest fashion trends. From who hooked up, who's knocked up and "WTF are they wearing?", Paige offers all the dish, with a side of snark. When not pondering Jennifer Aniston's perplexing post-breakup PR strategy, Paige is a published writer and communications professional who has worked with brands like Dove, L'Oreal, More magazine, Gap and WE: Woman's Entertainment.
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