And, Katie Holmes Performs a Judy Garland Number to Arouse Tom Cruise

*  Some marketing genius at Millions of Milkshakes thought it would be a good idea to name a milkshake after Lindsay Lohan. It's one part chocolate, one part Red Bull, a splash of fake tanner, a few used cigarette butts, and a dollop of shame, topped with whipped cream.  So that's what failure tastes like . . . Yum!

*  Mel Gibson has signed on to accept the leading role in Jodie Foster’s latest directorial effort, The Beaver.  The movie centers on Mel’s character, a depressed man, and how he finds levity by wearing a beaver puppet on his hand.  For real.  It
was in Variety and everything. Evidently Jodie Foster is sick of winning Academy Awards and now wants to go for the coveted "Dumbest career Move" award. In which case she's won it. Hands down. Unanimous decision. Two thumbs up.

*  The former gay lover of Michael Jackson’s dermatologist says Michael was sterile because Joe Jackson once kicked him in the nuts so hard it left permanent damage. So wait, Joe dressed Michael in sparkly hats and pants as a kid and took him to dance class, then kicked him in the nuts because he wasn’t manly enough?  We don’t mean to jump to conclusions but we think maybe Joe was sending mixed signals.

*  Hayden Panettiere is the latest Hollywood starlet to complain about being bullied in high school because she was so much prettier and better than everyone else.  At least in her own mind.  She tells Details, "I was tortured, emotionally tortured by these girls. Every time I came back from filming, it would be me trying to find my way back into the clique. And they weren't having it." Wah, wah, wah. Hayden also says she was punched in the face by " very angry, very sad girl." Though we'd probably be bitter and annoying too if we were 'blessed' with the body of 14-year old boy trying out for the uneven bars in the Olympics.

*  According to a new book, Tom Cruise has influenced "every major decision" David Beckham has made since the two met in 2003 -- including the name of his third son, Cruz. We're going to assume this was the only way to get Tom to shut up about Scientology before he started jumping all the furniture. Nothing like the old, "Hey, how about you quit yakking about your crazy made-up religion if we name our kid after you?" trick to get out of an awkward situation. Works every time.

*  Gerard Butler is getting tired of rumors that he's dating Jennifer Aniston. For the last time, people, he's only sleeping with her when he's drunk. How about a little respect?

*  Jessica Simpson's family is reportedly worried about her after she was dumped by footballer Tony Romo. "The family used to have such faith in [Jessica] and they worried about Ashlee," says a family friend. "Now they are fully confident in Ashlee's choices and they worry most of their days about Jessica. It seems she just can't catch a break." God, how big of a train wreck is Jess that her family thinks marrying a guyliner-woman's-skinny-jeans wearing emo like Pete Wentz and having a kid named Bronx Mowgli is something to aspire to?!

*  Four months after Us magazine broke news that Eddie Cibrain and LeAnn Rimes were having an affair, Eddie's wife has split, saying, "Eddie and LeAnn [Rimes] deserve each other." Actually, her timing is perfect.  Since Jon and Kate Gosselin's TLC reality show has taken a hard hit in the ratings, the LeAnn + Dean: How Do I Live With A Gay Husband (In A Fabulously Decorated House)? should get the greenlight as a replacement.

*  Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are living apart despite just bringing home twin girls. SJP is rumored to be moving out of their New York home and into a nine-bedroom home she bought in Brooklyn.  Did they just  make their upcoming custody battle more interesting, or what?

*  Bridget Moynahan walked into a baby store and reportedly asked, "What do you get your ex's pregnant new wife?" Then she grudgingly bought Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady's future progeny some $20 romper and had it gift-wrapped in bitterness.

*  Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler were doing a press junket for their new flick The Ugly Truth when their hotel had to be evacuated for a bomb scare. Can you say, "foreshadowing?"

*  After a year of living under father Jamie Spears' conservatorship, Britney Spears is ready to take back control of her life. TMZ reports that Jamie is expected to ask the court to review his conservatorship and potentially to undo its terms, giving Britney back full control of her life once the Circus tour ends, y'all. Cheetos and Red Bull are planning a blow-out "Welcome back, We've Missed You!" party.

*  Katie Holmes thinks that she can dance (and sing!) so she appeared on So You Think You Can Dance to do a Judy Garland number, one that some think was choreographed by Tom Cruise. Her dancing was meh, her lip-syncing was God-awful, but it was probably the only way she can possibly get her husband excited enough to want to touch a woman.

*  Lionel Richie and Bai Ling were spotted on what appeared to be a romantic date last Thursday at Viceroy in Santa Monica. According to an eye witness, Ling and Richie kept a low-profile and laughed and flirted throughout their meal. We suspect this is just Lionel's ingenious payback to daughter Nicole Richie for all her childhood shenanigans.  We hope . . .

By Paige Muller

Paige Muller, Gossip & Hollywood Hijinx
		About the author:
		Paige Muller is a gossip gal with an appreciation – some would say obsession – for Hollywood hijinx, celebrity style and the latest fashion trends.  From who hooked up, who's knocked up and "WTF are they wearing?", Paige offers all the dish, with a side of snark. When not pondering Jennifer Aniston's perplexing post-breakup PR strategy, Paige is a published writer and communications professional who has worked with brands like Dove, L'Oreal, More magazine, Gap and WE: Woman's Entertainment.
	Read More >>