. . . Not Who Everyone Thought It Would Be
For the record, we haven't watched American Idol since Kelly Clarkson was crowned champ way back however long ago. There were only so many times we could stand hearing Randy Jackson say "Dawg" without getting a bit stabby.
But in our defense, name one other winner. Go ahead . . . Oh, wait Carrie Underwood. She was on there too, right?
Which just goes to show that the Simon Cowell And Paula Abdul Crazy Train doesn't exactly have the best track record when it comes to people who didn't up bagging groceries after their 15-minutes were up.
Anyway, in what we're told was a surprising upset, Kris Allen received the most votes beating out favorite Adam Lambert to become your next American Idol.
Cue the "Adam was robbed!," "it's a red state/blue state" conspiracy theory outrage. Or blame Kansas. Evidently all of Middle America voted for the corn-fed Jason Mraz clone because the er, flamboyant, Lambert is the subject of countless fan-drawn sketches of him with glittery angel wings riding a unicorn across a rainbow.
Really, it's the same reason all the girls love sparkly vampire Robert Pattinson and twinkle toes Zac Efron: they're totally sexually ambiguous and nonthreatening. So once again mediocrity triumphs. Yay! VH1 will be able to continue churning out craptastic reality shows with the next generation of D-listers. Whew. We thought we might have to actually get a life for a minute there.
But what's done is done and regardless of who won AI, they will both have successful careers. Adam will come out with a line of hair products and cosmetics for men (Pete Wentz is already on the wait list) and tour as the lead in the Broadway production of Queen. And Kris will sell several copies of that vomit-inducing winning song before getting dropped by his label and vanishing into "Where Are They Now" obscurity.
We can't help but think this upset doesn't bode well for Susan Boyle though. At the very least, we hope she'll get a date out of the whole thing.
By Paige Muller
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